I decided to make this entry a combination of both the moral of my bicycle posts as well as my reflection on the internship experience thus far because they are very much intertwined.

I continue where I left off about the fear of riding the bicycle hands-free. With my bike here in Chicago, this task seemed impossible. The bike was sixty dollars, used and old, but repaired and admirably functionable. In my mind, when I let go of the handles, I felt insecure. I felt that this bicycle was not reliable enough for me to let go. I felt foolish for even trying because my thoughts told me that there is no way I would be able to free my hands and move from the forward lean position to vertical sitting position; it was impossible, the bicycle wasn’t meant for it.

Why did I keep trying to do it? Because of the challenge. I liked the idea of risk. I kept practicing over and over on the same trail I took every day. Finally about two weeks ago, I did it! I let go completely and I sat straight and I pedalled. It was so easy that once I did it, I couldn’t see how I couldn’t do it before. It wasn’t scary at all! The bike goes completely straight, the steering bar doesn’t move and I sit right up without any worry that I will fall… at all.

This past week I’ve been doing it a lot more — maybe a third of the trail even. I open my arms; I feel the wind; I pedal to the right of the trail; I pedal to the left of the trail. How could I not do this before? Why was it that it was so difficult the first couple of weeks? Why did I fear letting go?

As for being here at one of the most well established design firms in Chicago — if not America — amongst a spectacular staff, inspiring team with an abundance of creativity and multiplicity of skill-sets, I still found myself unhappy until just last week. Well it wasn’t that I didn’t value where I was or what I was doing; it was because I couldn’t face my ego. I had not come to an acceptance that the situation I was in was just that — the situation…and I had to deal with it. I did say to myself that I have to deal with it, but I didn’t really live it. I wasn’t it. I didn’t know who I was when I was thinking so much in anger and defending my own thoughts as reality. I was working in a team (of interns) that really wasn’t working as a team. In my mind it wasn’t working because I was so different and I am sincere but my sincerity is not being acknowledged and I’m on the back burner at all times.

What did I do? I turned it around and I made it work. I didn’t turn reality around. Reality is what it is, as in, we are who we are but our relationship with people and things are what we learn from and conduct our actions based on our knowledge through these relationships. You learn to work with what you have and accept it for what it is, not for what you think it should be. Why be angry and spend my bike rides in thoughts of anger…or fear in the case of my bike inspiration. Fear and anger go and in hand. If we can’t face our thoughts of fear and anger and really be them, then there is no way we can learn from them. Facing them means to accept them for what they are and allowing them to open your mind to reality…in all it’s potential.

Thanks SM. Beautiful time in my life.