I cried last night in my bed. I kept thinking about how much of a failure I am. I think about how stupid it was, for me at least, to study graphic design and end up with obsession to improve the world by design. I’m skilled but why did I have to care so much about doing something of my own? It makes me so depressed when I think about how used I feel…by everyone. People just jump on me when they see I actually want to put myself below them and help make things better for them, but then after a little while, I realize I’m being used — people only gravitate towards me because I’m such a great tool.

I feel like I need to stop and go through a soul shift. I need to stop doing things for other people. But I don’t know what makes me happy if I don’t do that. I want to go sit by a beach and don’t do anything. Just sit to myself and write. Don’t want to worry about money, feeling used, passive, or fake. I want to break things, let it all out. I think I’m angry inside but it comes out as sadness. I feel like I’m not even a real person and can never be one. No matter how much love I’m given, I will always feel that I’m not understood and that the love is only because I please the way one seeks to be pleased. I don’t put up with people I feel used by, or at least I make sure its at a mutual and symbiotic level.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s probably nothing and just life, but I wish I could at least stop thinking about it.