My last post was pretty depressing but I’m glad I captured that moment. Obviously we can snap out of feeling sorry for ourselves if we give it a bit of time. I have a pattern of feeling sad, but I also have a pattern of feeling fulfilled and grateful for who I am. It goes in a cycle and I’m not embarrassed to admit to it.

I’m not really depressed. I don’t think anyone really is. It’s a state of mind that you control — it just depends on your habits and patterns that seem to define you. I don’t think any one feeling defines a person, it’s a pattern that defines them and creates a vibe and character. You can change patterns and that shift may feel difficult at first, but if you get into a habit of shifting patterns, you’ll snap into a new pattern that is much more gratifying. You’ll feel more in control of your actions and find it easier to battle previous patterns that lead to your negativity.

No, it doesn’t happen over night — not an easy fix or a pill you take. Your body and mind operate unconsciously and at times you may feel like you have no control, no choice, no possible way out. But you must always know that you can be more conscious of what your mind and body do together to make a pattern in your actions. Once you face that on your own, you will see that it’s all really a story you made up and you’re living the life of the most perfect character in that story. So maybe you should make up a new story that you enjoy more, and start making your patterns to fit that character. Page by page, paragraph by paragraph, word by word: no need to skip chapters and jump to the ending.

I’ll try it Ghazaleh

I cried last night in my bed. I kept thinking about how much of a failure I am. I think about how stupid it was, for me at least, to study graphic design and end up with obsession to improve the world by design. I’m skilled but why did I have to care so much about doing something of my own? It makes me so depressed when I think about how used I feel…by everyone. People just jump on me when they see I actually want to put myself below them and help make things better for them, but then after a little while, I realize I’m being used — people only gravitate towards me because I’m such a great tool.

I feel like I need to stop and go through a soul shift. I need to stop doing things for other people. But I don’t know what makes me happy if I don’t do that. I want to go sit by a beach and don’t do anything. Just sit to myself and write. Don’t want to worry about money, feeling used, passive, or fake. I want to break things, let it all out. I think I’m angry inside but it comes out as sadness. I feel like I’m not even a real person and can never be one. No matter how much love I’m given, I will always feel that I’m not understood and that the love is only because I please the way one seeks to be pleased. I don’t put up with people I feel used by, or at least I make sure its at a mutual and symbiotic level.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s probably nothing and just life, but I wish I could at least stop thinking about it.

It’s pretty simple.

Just erase all this sustainability and green movement nonsense from your head. Stop thinking you’re more special than people who came before you. People have always been trying to improve, so stop thinking that you’re much smarter than other people because you eat organic food or go to drink with your new clothes at charity events or pray to your lord.

Do three things for yourself and you will be making the world a better place.

1. Stop caring about how attractive you are
2. Stop buying things that you think you need (when you really don’t).
3. Stop thinking that there’s some greater force “out there” (outside of you) making the rules and not “in there” (inside you) making the rules.

Humans have always had these three problems, so I’m very cynical about our species changing. However, I believe because we have constructed our way into realizing the impact of these problems that have become facts and figures, we can finally face a mirror of ourselves and make the better choice. I believe our mission in life is to reach happiness and do whatever it takes to get there. If we keep making the mistake of not following the three points, we will never be happy and accomplish our goals.

That’s it.

I’m done.

she lost control over her body
it had a brain of its own — was not hers
felt like a programmed machine
able to figure things out — even in doubt
she trusted her body
and all she could do
was watch what was happening

For some reason my desire for writing has been for self expression and not for fulfillment of the reader. The last class I took before I graduated was ‘Creative Writing 2′ at OCAD, in which everyone excelled in writing descriptive fictional stories. I couldn’t relate with their writing and I wasn’t even interested in reading most of it because my brain couldn’t focus or didn’t find it interesting enough to focus. Maybe it was the lack of depth and dull performance that kept my selfish writing continue in first-person.

I always found that people respect honesty and vulnerability and translate it to strength and confidence. Don’t you just love it when you hear someone express themselves, with rage, tears or laughter? There is an intuitive admiration for vocalness of a person who finds their personal observations interesting enough to be heard by others. It’s like watching a good new movie, or eating a zesty meal or watching the season finale of your favourite show. The real deal is what we want…right?

So why is it that in this ego-centric, narcissistic world we have today we find less fiction and even lesser facts. It’s rare to find insightful and imaginative story-tellers and complete self-expressionists. It’s like an art is missing. It’s like all that we can express is a waste of breath because we are too busy trying to decide whether we love or hate our modernized culture, meaning our nice condos, cars and 9-5 jobs. Our egos are going over the roof, and we don’t even want to work for it. We’re spoiled because we think our efforts are worthless and our failure is the greatest excuse to never leap for the unknown.

Guess what?

I got a wake-up call when I decided to volunteer my skills to a place and people I liked and found inspiring. That’s how I discovered my courage. It wasn’t through school, it was by letting go of my ego and throwing myself at the world with an open heart, willing to fight for every bit of fame I got on the way.

I want to start writing stories about my experiences, without me in them. I want to see how creating a scenario with characters and expressing those characters might change the impact of what I write for the observer. It’s time for me to start telling stories to stimulate your imagination.

Coming soon.